


Carry on

by Agin



Series: I should... [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Arguing, Complicated Relationships, Dirty Talk, Implied Rough Sex, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-18
Updated: 2014-06-23
Packaged: 2018-02-04 19:12:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1790095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agin/pseuds/Agin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>That’s the last part of my <em>I should…</em> series.</p><p>Shepard – <em>John</em> – had a revelation about himself, but will he be able to take use of his new awareness?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Later

**Author's Note:**

> As always… I’ll add some more tags when posting the next chapters.

Two days after Kaidan’s departure John drinks cheap whiskey until he loses consciousness.

**

Five days later he spends a very ill-advised night with a burly man who bruises him badly and chokes him with merciless hands without John giving consent.

John breaks the man’s nose and his left arm and three of his rips - He may not want to be Commander anymore but he’s still a fucking good fighter. And he is furious.

**

Nine days later John climbs a huge building which has been literally torn apart, its innermost secrets laid bare, depredated and finally forgotten. He goes to the upmost point, where the edge is sharp and lacerated like a horrible wound and every single move could be his last. Sitting there and staring into the abyss, he pictures his own body, fallen and smashed and cut into pieces.

He is not afraid.

He is not keen on falling, either.

Eventually, John climbs back down. His hands are bleeding from several incisions and the rest of his body is injured as well – not a single wound actually deep or dangerous, though.

Back at home, John cleans and patches himself up and goes to bed. He sleeps until next evening.

**

Ten days later John visits the place where he was buried and found after the war.

They are about to build a fancy new mall there. Which seems a preposterous plan considering the still unstable situation in Vancouver and all over the world.

John talks to another bystander who doesn’t recognize him and he can’t stop grinning stupidly for several minutes.

**

Three weeks later John visits Hackett and asks him to be discharged from duty.

The official procedure takes place the next day and John accepts a job as builder immediately after.

**

One month later John decides that his well-being can’t depend on Kaidan’s presence or absence.

Thinking of the biotic hurts. So he does his very best to stop doing it.

**

Four months later John has affairs with three different men. They are all muscular, athletic, dark haired and have brown eyes.

 _Pathetic_ , he thinks and starts a fourth affair with man named Victor Bane-Davidson, who is eleven years older than him, has grey hair, a still blond, well-trimmed beard and a rather cute fascination for old, historic paintings.

“I should have become an art thief,” Victor jokes and John refrains from saying: _Would have made you distinctly more interesting._ Instead he settles for: “Sounds exciting.”

“Yes, it surely does. Although, being a history teacher is slightly more reasonable. _And_ , I love my job.”  
Victor’s left eye is green, his right one is brown – a bewildering and fascinating aberration.

“I like teachers,” John says, sprawling on the other man’s bed, presenting his naked body.

Victor’s pupils delate noticeably, his tongue darting out and licking over his upper lip. “Do you?”

“Depending on what they could --“ John let’s two heartbeats pass and locks eyes with Victor. “-- _teach_ me …” he finishes and the other man blushes. But then, he holds John down quite nicely.

**

Nine months later John works for a private carpenter in a small and cozy shop. They don’t get many orders but it’s suffice work for two and John rather enjoys his new job.

**

Twelve months later he is still meeting with Victor who is a patient man and a gentle lover. Too gentle, actually. But when John asks him to be a little bit more forceful, he complies.

Being with him calms John in a way he hasn’t experienced before. Victor feels... safe.

**

One year and one month later the curfew is abolished.

John celebrates with Victor and some of their mutual friends. They _have_ mutual friends by now.

**

One year and two months later John gets into heated conversation with a customer and when the man invites him out to dinner, he accepts.

Sitting at the table of a obviously new-build restaurant, a menu in his hands which does its best to present limited choices as extravagantly rare ones, John looks at the dark-haired man, looks at his brown eyes and his lascivious smile.

A hand comes down on his knee and John swallows, takes a deep breath. He stands up.

“Sorry. So sorry… I can’t do this,” he says, ignores the other man’s first bewildered, then irritated expression and all but flees the scene.

He goes without detour to Victor’s apartment, waits impatiently and when the man opens the door, he kisses him until he feels dizzy from it.

“Let’s move in together,” Victor says later, stroking delicate fingertips over John’s stomach and carding lightly through his facial hair.

“I went out with another guy, today,” John confesses. Victor’s head rests heavily on his chest. “I thought about fucking him,” he adds.

Victor doesn’t move. “Did you do it?” he asks.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“No idea. I --“ Shepard sighs. “I couldn’t do it. Left him at dinner.”

“And you came to me.” It’s not a question but John answers nonetheless.

“Yes,” he says.

**

One year and nine months later John and Victor actually move in together. Their new apartment is located in a quiet and family-friendly part of Vancouver and just a few hours after moving in they are welcomed by the neighbors – with open arms and a wagging finger which says: _We are respectable people here. Don’t you dare to be anything else._

But, of course, Victor is undoubtedly respectable and wins over all of their unbidden guests without any problem. It’s hard to not like him and trust him instantly.

Next evening John pretends to have to work on a rather urgent order. It’s a blatant lie. Instead he goes to a club in a shady part of Vancouver. He drinks a lot, flirts and has sex with four different guys.

At five a.m. he feels sick and heaves onto the pavement near the club.  
At nine a.m. he arrives at home, still feeling sick.  
At ten a.m. he confesses to Victor.

They don’t scream at each other, they don’t fight. Victor needs to think and he leaves for two days.

When he returns, he says: “I don’t want you to ever lie to me.”

John nods.

“Do you love me?” Victor asks.

“Yes.” And that’s true, John realizes.

“All right.” Victor doesn’t allow a kiss yet, but he pulls John into a tight embrace.

**

One year and eleven months later John’s boss and by now fatherly friend dies from a heart attack and bequeaths John the carpenter’s shop.

It’s hard to lose a man who has grown so dear to his heart.

John drinks a lot for two days. He cries until his eyes are red and swollen and hurting. And then he takes a deep breath and organizes the burial. He carries on and Victor is always there for him.

**

Two years later, Victor takes John’s hand in his and asks: “Will you marry me?” And John says: “Yes.”

**

Two years and two weeks later, John looks at Victor and feels with overwhelming certainty that this man loves him and will never leave and would forgive anything and that he is everything John could have hoped for.

_He is, isn’t he?_

And his mind rears up:  
 _Can he actually give me what I need, and can I give him what he needs?_

It’s a horrible question and the answer burns in his eyes and leaves a wet path on his cheeks and as Victor comes in just at this very moment, John says: “I will cheat on you again and again and you will forgive me every time. And I will start to hate you, and you will start to hate me.”

Victor stands still, his silence is heavy, threatens to bring John to his knees. But he carries on: “I love you. But it’s not enough. I can’t live with you. I will make you unhappy. And you don’t deserve that.”

“You’re making me unhappy now,” Victor says and he sounds strangely detached, still completely motionless. Only his mouth is moving in a blank face.

John scrambles for words which could make it better, make anything better. But there are none.  
His determination wavers. Suddenly he feels lonely and scared and aches for Victor’s touch and voice and smile and the very idea of leaving him, of _being alone_ makes him tremble.

Maybe it’s not too late to change his mind. Maybe Victor would agree to just forget this conversation.

But… no. To carry on like this would be terribly wrong. John knows it and it hurts so badly he could fall to pieces and at the same time he feels… relieved.

**

Two years and three weeks later John moves into a new apartment near his shop.  
Victor is going to leave Vancouver. They’ve already said goodbye.

**

Three years and one month later, John breaks his weak leg. It won’t heal entirely again. He’ll slightly limb the rest of his life.

John screams in frustration and punches his fist against the wall of his shop until he bleeds. The pain helps to calm down. To accept.

He doesn’t repeat this violent action against himself, though.

**

Three years and nine months later John still hasn’t tried to find a new partner, hasn’t even had an affair and it’s freeing to be on his own.  
Sometimes he feels lonely. And – he _is_ lonely. But starting something new without actually wanting to wouldn’t make it better.  
He decides to concentrate on his work.

**

Four years later Garrus finally visits again. He has a few more scars, some new stories he isn’t allowed to tell, but he is alive and hasn’t changed that much.

They drink and joke together and hug each other. The latter while no one can see them, of course.

**

Four years and five months later Garrus comes to the shop with some special news and John realizes one thing about himself: He has never stopped waiting.


	2. Angry Goat

John’s hands are steady. With deliberated care he pushes the lowest button of his shirt through its hole and continues with the next one and continues until he reaches the last button and doesn’t know if he should close it or leave it open.

He meets the gaze of his freshly shaved and groomed reflection in the mirror and takes a deep breath.

“No need to be nervous,” he tells himself, repeats it for good measure and closes the last button.

He hasn’t slept well last night and the night before, has been filled with anxious and sparkling energy since Garrus said: “I’ve met with Kaidan Alenko not an hour ago. He’s back in Vancouver.”

John’s first reaction had been to stare ahead and feel and think nothing. Then his mouth had stated: “I’d like to --“ and he just didn’t know how to finish.

There had been a time when John imagined this moment over and over again, different scenarios featuring Kaidan’s return. Then he had stopped thinking about it, stopped fantasizing about the things which could have been and could happen but probably never would, and had pushed Kaidan into a secluded corner of his mind, never realizing the lingering power of those memories and suppressed dreams in its entirety.

Hearing Garrus’ words, though, it all came rushing back. Suddenly John was filled with want and hope and despair and longing and regret and disappointment and the whole lot of emotions entangled to something huge and overwhelming. But simultaneously John was aware of the years which had gone by and the changes he had passed through.  
And, confusingly, he felt both able and unable to deal with the situation and his mouth had stated: “I’d like to --“ had said it again and John needed a whole day to bring that sentence to an end.

At the second day he had asked Garrus for Kaidan’s contact details and composed a message for the biotic:  
 _Heard, you’re back. How about…_  
That’s as far as he got.  
 _How about if we’d go out for a drink?_ \- too heavily loaded with bad memories - _How about going out for dinner?_ \- too heavily loaded with expectations.  
At last, he settled for: _How about meeting up? Chatting a little bit?_

Actually sending the message, though, was tremendously challenging and John felt high-strung with trepidation until Kaidan answered – the biotic’s message even shorter, just stating time and place.

At first, John was so relieved and happy, he couldn’t stop smiling.  
Then, he got angry, because Kaidan wouldn’t even deign to write a whole sentence, much less formulate a question instead of a demand.  
Then, he felt bad because he got angry.

_What a goddamn, ridiculous mess_ , John thinks now, while he looks at his reflection and reopens the last button of his shirt. He doesn’t even know what to expect of this evening, what to hope for and what to fear. It should be clear, yet it isn’t.

**

_The Angry Goat_ , John rereads in his mind and can’t help but smirk about the bar’s name.

While going inside he notices the painting of an exaggerated goat at the far end of the room, emphasized by two spots of red lightning. Wild and slightly disturbing eyes are watching black tables with white chairs and the few customers who are scattered around, chatting, drinking and mostly occupying the anterior part of the bar.

John takes their positions in with one gaze, the old reflexes of a former soldier still dominant, and he recognizes Kaidan instantly, either. The biotic, sitting at a small table just beneath the goat-painting, is wearing his hair slightly shorter than he used to and a three-day stubble roughens his face as well as an impressive scar on his left cheek, starting just at the outer edge of his eye socket and reaching down to his jaw. He is wearing a shirt which could be dark-blue or plum. In the glow of the red spots the exact color is hard to tell – and doesn’t matter anyway.  
John gives himself an internal shake, discarding unnecessary observations, and moves through the room as calm and confident as possible.

His neck prickles uncomfortably as if every single customer would stare his way, unmasking him effortlessly and revealing his uncertainty. There is laughter to his right and he can’t help but bristle at the source, a quite attractive woman with two equally appealing friends, both of them men.

Meeting his gaze she quirks an eyebrow and winks. “Hey there. Look at you.” Holding John’s gaze, she elbows the man to her left. “Isn’t he a handsome one?”

The man nods, grinning, then pushing his tongue against his cheek in a crude gesture. “Indeed.”

John slows down, momentarily halted in his track. The man _is_ good looking. And John, having been abstinent for a rather ridiculous amount of time, can’t help but feel tempted. He falters – for about the length of a stuttering breath. Then, he shakes his head, says: “Sorry,” and moves along.

“Maybe later,” the man booms plainly audible and someone cat-calls at John. There’s some further laughing, this time clearly directed at him.

John ignores them. He has reached Kaidan.

“Making new friends?” the biotic asks inscrutably.

“No. But planning to relearn about old ones.” John is proud of the certainty in his voice and concentrates on not destroying it under Kaidan’s suddenly intense gaze. In his momentary position the biotic has to look up at John, though it feels the other way around.

Eventually, Kaidan gestures at an empty chair. “You could start by sitting down,” he says and John complies too swiftly, the legs of his chair scraping so loudly on the floor, he nearly winces at the sound.

He has visited so many bars in his life and never felt out of place to such an extent.

“I’ve been engaged,” John offers involuntarily, before he has even said something like: _Hi, good to see you. How have you been?_ , and smacks his head inwardly. He _had_ planned to be truthful, but definitely not thus bluntly. And who knows if Kaidan’s even interested in personal details like that. “I ended it,” he adds for the sake of completeness. “More than two years ago.”

Kaidan opens his mouth as if to say something, closes it again and, finally, asks: “Want to order?”  
A perfectly reasonable question as the waitress is standing next to John, emanating hardly concealed impatience.

Eyeing the whiskey in front of Kaidan he orders a cup of coffee. Because that’s what he’d like to drink.

The waitress leaves and John’s just about to broach another, less intimate or complicated topic, when Kaidan asks: “Did you care for them?”

“Yes,” John nods, forcing himself to stay honest and open. “Yes, I _did_ care for him. I still do, in a sort. Hoping that he’s found some happiness.”

“It’s never easy to leave someone you care about behind,” Kaidan says mostly to himself, then he locks eyes with John and it’s – _infuriating_.

“What would _you_ know about caring for someone?” John bites out, stunned by the viciousness of his own reaction and before he knows it, he is standing, looming over the biotic and he says much too loudly: “You left me sitting at the pavement after I reached out for you!”

_Now_ he actually has everyone’s attention. But he couldn’t care less while his every sense is flooded with hurt and anger, as intense as he has never felt it before, and with some very small part of his mind he wonders how the situation could get out of control so fast and so easily.  
And the same part of his mind points out that more than four years had gone by and that this should be sufficient time to –

But suddenly Kaidan is standing, as well, his brown eyes flashing with furious righteousness and John wants to punch him so badly.

“ _You_ pushed me away again and again!” Kaidan hisses, his otherwise beautiful voice unusually strained and ugly. “ _I_ reached out for _you_ and you pushed me away and shut me out and do you really believe you didn’t hurt me?”

“Oh, come on. If you’d actually cared for me and looked at me you --“

“I - _What?_ I would have overlooked that you treated me like a stranger? That you _fucked my partner_? Repeatedly! Well aware of his relationship with me!” Kaidan’s voice is growing louder with each word until he is screaming his accusations.

At the edge of his consciousness John notices someone carefully clearing their throat, but he is too occupied with screaming, as well. “You could have --“

Again, he is cut short by Kaidan. “Oh, yeah. Of course. _I_ could have. It’s always _me_ , isn’t it? You’re the poor damsel in distress and --“

John’s hand is at Kaidan’s throat before he knows it.  
And then someone is grasping his shoulders, taking advantage of his state of mind to hurl him around and drag him back.

Surprisingly, the biotic makes an aborted motion to follow, before his eyes focus on the man behind John. “Let go of him,” he orders, just as the waitress speaks up: “No brawls!” and tries to appear certain and firm and stronger than she actually is.

Kaidan lifts his hands placidly. “All right.” His eyes never leaving the man who’s still holding on to John’s shoulders, he repeats: “ _Let go of him._ ”

Surely, John could have freed himself without any problems, but Kaidan taking his side renders him motionless. His anger subsides and is replaced by something else entirely.

They pay their bill, although John never even received his coffee and leave the bar in silence. John lately realizes that the man who tried to pick him up earlier, had been the one holding him back. It doesn’t matter.

Outside, they pause for a moment, looking at each other.

Then, John feels an unexpected urge and he starts to laugh.  
It bubbles up in his stomach and forces its way out of his throat and John can hardly breathe and tears are running down his face but he can’t say if he’s sad or happy or something else.  
Then Kaidan joins in and they laugh frantically and it’s so strange and ridiculous but they don’t stop until they’re both gasping and panting and leaning against each other to find some hold.

“I’m sorry,” John says, his face only inches away from Kaidan’s.

The biotic swallows loudly. “Me too.”

John hesitates. And, nearly choking on the words, he allows himself to admit: “I’d really like to kiss you.”

“Yeah.” Kaidan swallows again but pulls back a moment later, his breath still lingering on hopeful lips.

John freezes, his whole body rigid, his stomach dropping and curling and –

“Stop!” Kaidan says and closes his hands around John’s face, puts their foreheads together. “I didn’t mean to… I _do_ want to kiss you! But there’s so much we need to work through. And I would… If you --“ Kaidan pulls his head back so he can look at John. “I’d like to try a relationship with you. See, if we can be together. And this time, I want to do it right.”

John lays his hands over Kaidan’s, allows himself, just for a second, to revel how satisfying this gesture feels. “All right,” he finally says.

“Let’s take it slow.” Kaidan’s thumb strokes carefully over John’s cheek, one time, and stills again.

“So we’ll be talking about the past?”

“Yes.”

“About our _feelings_?” John cringes internally when he voices the last word, but he doesn’t take it back.

“Yes.”

“Going out on dates?”

“Absolutely.”

“Staying for breakfast?”

“Later. Maybe. Hopefully.” Kaidan licks his lips, sighs. “God, yes. _Please._ But --“

“-- not yet,” John finishes for him. “I think, I am still kind of angry and hurt,” he adds.

Kaidan sighs again, but this time without longing. “So am I.”

“And it’s not easy for me to trust and to open up to someone… Just saying… It won’t be easy.”

“But it’ll be worth it, right?” Kaidan sounds so unusually _vulnerable_ that John tightens his grip and smiles reassuringly.

“It is,” he says and he means it.

Their situation may be fragile, no proper base for a healthy relationship. Not yet. But, given time, they can manage it. And they will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually, that’s the end of the story. The last chapter will be an epilogue with some… let’s call it: _happy time_.
> 
> Why the epilogue? – Because I was in the mood for writing it ;-)


	3. Epilogue

When John steps into the kitchen at seven o’clock in the morning he finds a cup of coffee, still hot, and a handwritten notice lying next to it.

It says:  
 _You wondered what to do on your day off, alone, as I unexpectedly needed to leave for work._  
 _What about that:_  
 _You will receive a message on your omni-tool each hour, telling you what to do. If you follow the orders precisely, I’ll have a pleasant surprise for you this afternoon. If you don’t, I’ll punish you. And, love, you can believe me when I say that you won’t enjoy _that_._  
 _If you’re up for this game and agree to my terms, write me one message which says: Yes. After doing that you aren’t allowed to write me again. You’ll have to shut up and listen._  
 _Make your decision, and we can get started if you want to._  
 _Love, Kaidan_

Shepard’s smile is broad enough to nearly swallow his ears. He sends the messages immediately:  
 _Yes!_

**

8 a.m. – New message:

Set the camera so it catches most of the living room. Link it to my omni-tool. I want to watch you following my orders.  
Catch some lube as well. Place the bottle on the coffee table and put your omni-tool next to it, the message-alarm tuned loud enough so you can hear it effortlessly.

After that, kneel down in the middle of the living room, cross your arms behind your neck, keep your back straight and don’t move until you receive my next message.

 

9 a.m. – New message:

Fetch honey from the kitchen and kneel down onto the floor, again, so I’ll be able to see your face. You did so well by positioning the camera like that.

Put your right thumb into the honey, first. Lick it. Do it slowly and taste the sweetness and feel the rough skin of your finger against your tongue.

Does the touch of your tongue tickle? How wet is it and how warm? What happens when the air hits your damp skin?

Do you like to use your lips as well? How does that feel?

I want you to put every finger into the honey, one by one and lick it clean again. And I want you to do it thoroughly, to take your time and experience every little detail.

Don’t stop until you receive my next message.

 

10 a.m. – New message:

You don’t wear your shoes, as I can see. Take off your socks now, as well.

Fetch the big bowl, the one with the red and green mosaic on it, and fill it with cold water. Put some ice cubes in, too.  
Then, sit down onto the sofa, the bowl on the floor so you can put your feet into the water.  
Don’t pull them out, once they are in – you remember how you’re always whining, when I do _that_ with my cock and your tight, little asshole, don’t you, love? Think about the times I have teased you until you were begging so beautifully. Think about it and. Don’t. Move. Your. Feet.

After then minutes have passed, I will send a message without content, just to give you the sign to push up your shirt and you will touch your nipples. But only your nipples. Pinch them good. And roll them between your fingers. I know, how much you’ll enjoy that. And I will see it in your face and on your body when you’ll be starting to blush just the way I love it.

Get your nipples hard and hot. Feel the difference between your chest and your feet, feel, how your body starts to tingle.

Or does it already after you licked and sucked your fingers so nicely - just like you suck my cock when I push it between your lips?

Don’t stop until I tell you to.

 

11 a.m. – New message:

You are hard already, love, aren’t you? Don’t try to hide it. It’s all right.  
I am too. I’m sitting here, working and sometimes a lay my hand on my cock, feel it through the cloth of my trousers and rub my palm over it. Just a little bit.

You, on the other hand, won’t touch yourself until I allow you to! Don’t disregard this order or you’ll deeply regret it.

I’m going to fuck you this afternoon either way, and come with my cock shoved up your delicious ass.  
But you’ll have to earn your right to reach orgasm, my love.

For now, you will lay down onto the carpet, face down, and spread your legs for me. You could rub your cock against the soft underground to get some friction but you won’t do it.  
If it becomes too difficult to stay still, lift your hips. Give me a nice view of your beautiful, greedy bottom. Would you like to feel me inside you just now?

Stay down there till my next message.

 

12 a.m. – New message:

Strip.

Slowly.

Show me how nice you can move your body.

Then, make yourself comfortable on the sofa. Let your fingertips travel over your whole body.  
Explore it gently. Stroke every bit of your lovely skin except the places you want to touch so badly.

Don’t touch your nipples any more. Don’t touch your penis. Don’t touch your balls.

I know how desperate you are because I can see your cock straining against its restraints. And you _did_ lift your hips pretty often the last hour.

You may put your fingers over your entrance. But don’t push in.  
I know, love. It’s difficult and you would beg me for more if I were near you.

But you can manage. You did very well, so far. And I know that you can stay the course.

Continue and wait for your next order.

 

1 p.m. – New message:

Lay back onto the floor. Immediately after you finished reading!

You will use the lube, now. Open the bottle, slick up your hands and touch your cock.  
It’s so hard and your balls are drawn to your body already. I love that sight, have been touching myself again and again the last hour. I’m so aroused it actually hurts. Do you hurt? I bet you do.

So – touch your cock, stroke it. In fact, don’t stop touching it even for the briefest moment.

You aren’t allowed to come and you aren’t allowed to stop touching. If you think you can’t hold back any more, you may stop stroking, though.

I am really going to enjoy this hour. Will you, too? I’m not so sure about that.

 

2 p.m. – New message:  
You did so well, love. I’m proud of you.  
And you are achingly beautiful, when you are suffering and being good for me.

I love you.

I’ll be on my way back home soon. And I’m looking forward to bend you over the dining table and fuck you so hard, you’re going to scream.

You have about half an hour left, now. I recommend you use this time to prepare yourself because I won’t do it. I’m much too aroused to take care of this task.

The moment I’m back, I’ll shove my cock into your ass. If you are prepared or not. It’s up to you to not make it hurt.

**

After he has finished reading the last message, John closes his eyes for a moment, fights to get his aroused body back under control. He contemplates to abstain from preparing himself but Kaidan is quite big. And he will take him relentlessly. That much is clear.

Sure, John could end the entire scene at any time, using his safeword. But he always enjoys it when Kaidan fucks him rough and ruthless.

Eventually, he opens himself up just a little bit and – smiling - waits for his lover and friend and partner for life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s it. Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the story.


End file.
